JAVA HOROSCOPE What Does Your Beverage Say About Your Future?


   Trouble’s Brewin’!

I recently obtained gainful employment at a national coffee chain that allows me to leave my facial piercing firmly lodged in my upper lip and doesn’t force me to cage my double-ds into a god-awful polo. In the world of jobs, I’m assuming that’s really the most I can ask from the gods of $8.00-an-hour-plus-tips. I may not have a resume builder, I may not even have my pride intact but I’ll be damned if I don’t have frequent, reliable access to caffeine products.

My new job has reminded me of several things. Firstly, the economy is awful. But I probably don’t need to tell you that since you’re currently reading a blog by an under-employed, overzealous me. This means that you either don’t have a full-time job or you owe me some sort of favor. Secondly, I have been reminded that corporations exist. Routine employment exists outside of washing dishes in the cafeteria or shelving books in the library (herp-a-derp jobs that pay college students on a technicality).

The shock of being part of the corporate machine has been a bit of an adjustment. If liberal arts college was considered a narcotic then I’d still be white-knuckling my bedframe, sweating like an overweight marathon runner. Namely, in full detox mode. To extend my analogy for a moment I would like to ask, who is the Dr. Drew in this situation? That’s the problem. There is none! But that’s a whole different problem entirely. Let’s get down to business.

Being on the other side of the counter in the hallowed legal-tender-for-legal-beans exchange has afforded me a clear view of the world. It becomes obvious that there are a few different types of coffee drinkers and what follows is your java horoscope. Consider your future foretold.

Blended coffee drink

     You are frivolous and free-wheelin. Perhaps uninformed about the number of calories that you consume on a daily basis. If you request extra whip then I am certain that you are about to visit the beach or the public library. You can’t walk into a job interview clutching a trembling dairy mountain like that.

You will slip in the bathtub this month and miraculously avoid injury. You are working on a couple projects and only one of them is worthwhile. Stick to that one.

Hot tea

     You’ve got time to spare and a retirement to savor. You’re probably upward of fifty. It’s the summer, gosh darn it! Only someone with a slowly diminishing core body temperature would order a boiling hot herb bath. Otherwise, you’re aware of local organic options, you wear tortoise-shell glasses and you smell a little funky.

Your bathrobe will fly open while you are retrieving the newspaper and you will experience a liberation the likes of which you have never known. Nudist beach, here you come!

Iced latte

     A little flirty and a little sensible. You are wise and well-balanced but don’t sacrifice your fun-loving side. If you add a flavor shot you are a little zany. If you add two flavor shots you’re over the line. Especially if they’re two different flavors. Stop thinking about Simple Syrup and read a book.

While walking past a team of construction workers you will strike up a discussion with a handsome female city employee. She will introduce you to a fabulous restaurant and your future spouse. Let her show you the way.


     You believed in the tooth fairy longer than any of your friends. You like John Cusak. You don’t like Rosanne Barr.

This month you should lay low. Try a little routine change but just take it easy. Opt for a white mocha instead of dark chocolate and rent all the movies The Rock has ever made. Have faith that his wisdom will serve you well.

Hot coffee

     You are either boring or old. Either way I’m not interested.

This month your wild side will overtake you and a little too much Jack will lead to a complex acquaintance with semi-star Ke$ha. Don’t let your brother near her.

Coffee with an extra shot of espresso

(or more)

     You have just demanded the respect of everyone in the entire establishment. By law the baristas are required to say a dainty prayer to you in their heads. Due to separation of church and state that prayer is deemed an ‘ode’ in coffee-talk but that’s really just a technicality.

     Usually you are sardonic and sassy; however, if you are patronizing the coffee establishment a little too late in a day when you haven’t had coffee yet you show up looking like a phantom out of a Poe story.  This includes a gray pallor and a haggard glint in the eye. You are like a deflated birthday balloon that nobody wants to celebrate any longer. You are frightening. Drink some coffee, already.

You will miss your 9:00 am coffee fix this month and become suddenly aware of the overwhelming beauty of the earth. You will read excerpts from Walden and feel whole. Then your co-worker, Diane, will bring you a cup of coffee and you’ll forget about your revelation.


     I accidentally hate you. I don’t want to because your drink is easy to make and you just want a summer treat. Despite this, I have some sort of smoothie prejudice and I only consider it acceptable to serve smoothies to children. This is a personal problem on my part. I apologize.

     This month you will develop a paralyzing fear of clowns.

Iced Tea

     You may be wearing oversized sunglasses and clutching a suitcase-sized purse with a poofy dog popping out. You’re probably about to go see the new Sasha Baron-Cohen movie and then quote it to your friends later on the internet.

     P.S.. Iced tea is really good with half a shot of raspberry.

     The Sasha Baron-Cohen movie will be bad. You will be an annoyance to all your friends.

Any of these judgments can be overcome if you are a physically attractive male.

      Or female. Hey, that’s distracting, too.


4 thoughts on “JAVA HOROSCOPE What Does Your Beverage Say About Your Future?

  1. Wow. I thought (from my previous extended experience also at a national coffee chain) that *I* had all the coffee personalities figured out, but your descriptions are so nuanced. How did you KNOW that I like John Cusak and not Roseanne Barr?

    Not a fan of the prediction, though. You’re going to have to work on that. 🙂

  2. Herp-a-derp, this is hilarious! I guess I need to rethink my usual choice of hot coffee, to fight off the nagging suspicion that I am, in fact, boring.

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